My Journey with Self-Love

This is me when I was about 16 years old. 

Growing up, I was always little and painfully shy. I was so shy in-fact, my mom had to call the neighborhood girls and actually ASK THEM to come and play with me. Fun fact, that's actually how I met my first best friend! (Hey, Maddie!) Anyways, I was so shy because I was so worried of what people thought of me and I was so insecure. This was a trait that followed me throughout a lot of my young life. I know that young people, especially teenagers, typically do worry about what their peers think of them. But, I thought about it A LOT and my insecurities became even stronger. 

I never thought I was beautiful. I struggled in school so obviously I wasn't smart. I (believed I was) was fat. I had too big of teeth. My hair was too thin. My eyes were too big. My nose was weird. My face just looked odd. I had zits. My clothes didn't look right on me like they did on models, and much more. Getting bangs in high school was actually a way for me to cover part of my face. 

I specifically remember when I was in about 7th grade. My group of friends at the time, were girls who definitely did not look like they were in 7th grade and because of that, were very popular with boys. Except little flat Haley who wore gauchos.

Now that I am thinking about it...it was probably the pants...

Anywho, you can probably imagine that I didn't get a whole lot of boy attention compared to my friends. Since I was only 13, I didn't really care about not getting the attention, it just made things really awkward because I was singled out often. I thought that because of the boys, my friends didn't like me anymore. I actually believed that because the boys didn't like me, my friends didn't like me. Which I know is absolutely ridiculous and wasn't true, but hanging out with boys at 13 was better than hanging out with your girl-friends. I never blamed them for leaving me out, I understood, but it definitely did not make my anxiety and insecurities any better. 

When I got into high school, I really struggled.

I stopped eating very much during junior and senior year. 

It started out slow, like opting for a salad instead of the main course at lunch at school, then not eating lunch at all. Eating smaller breakfasts or just a protein shake. "Not very hungry" around dinner. When I got into my senior year of high school, I was in theater and often had to stay at the school until 10pm every night. My "dinners" then consisted of a Diet Mountain Dew and maybe a bag of chips.

I weighed a total of 98 pounds before I got pregnant. 

After I had my son, being around people became terrifying. I was so worried what they would think of me. I knew what they probably thought of me. I tried to avoid social media and people as much as I could. I didn't want to deal with the looks and comments. It took me a meeting with my then-bishop, to start my self-love journey. I told him my fears of being judged and unwelcomed. He told me that I wasn't alone, and that Heavenly Father loved me, and it was time for me to start to learn to love myself as much as He loved me.

My first Sunday back in church after months of not going, I did get a lot of judgement and a lot of stares. My neighbor actually overheard a few leaders of mine say some pretty harsh things about me. When my neighbor told me, I was upset...but only for a second. It was then I remembered what my bishop had told me, and it was then I realized what my actual worth was compared to what they thought my worth was. 

Now, here I am. Just about 7 years later. Still learning how to love myself and definitely not perfect at it, but a heck of a long way from where I was when I was 16. 

What I have learned in the last 7 years is...I am smart. I am strong. I am loving. I am kind. I am a hard-worker. I am dedicated. I am NOT 98 pounds, and I love that. I love my big teeth (it makes it easier to chew! 😉). I love my hair. I love my big eyes. I love my nose. I love to learn. I love to help. I am a daughter of God. I am beautiful. I love me. 

While you read that, I hope that some of the statements that I made about myself are statements that you can say about yourself and know to be true. Self-love is a journey that I believe is a life-long one. A journey that you must take each day at a time. 

Be patient with yourself. Love yourself. 

Let's also all agree never to bring gauchos back in style.

Until next time,

Haley

Working, Student-ing, & Mommy-ing

     When I was a senior in high school, my plan was to graduate & move away for college. I wanted to move away & party with friends. Have a full "college experience". I wanted my independence. I wanted to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Go to classes on campus. Go to parties and make new friends. Have an apartment that I could decorate any way I wanted to. Just be my own person. 

     Then I got pregnant. 

     I thought the chance for me to go to college was gone. 

     I remember talking to my mom and grandpa about the possibility of me starting college shortly after I told them I was pregnant. My grandpa didn't think I could do it, and he wasn't rude about it in any way. He was very worried that the stress would be too much, and that maybe my focus should just be on working & learning how to be a mom. My mom, however, believed that even though it would be extremely hard, I would be able to do it and I NEEDED to do it. Both of them were right. I definitely needed to take time to learn how to be a mom and start to earn money, but going to school would benefit myself & Liam so much. 

     So, I did all 3. I worked, went to school, and learned how to be a mom.

     Entertaining a baby when you have homework is really challenging, but I got SUPER lucky with Liam. "Mommy's doing homework" was a common phrase that I had to use with him. Liam had a lot of rattles and toys that sing every lullaby ever to keep him entertained, but sometimes that just isn't enough with kids. Sometimes they just need YOU. Before taking the picture above, I was trying to get Liam to play with toys on his blanket below me while I tried to study for a test. This, of coarse, was NOT good enough for him. I decided to try something a little different. I put on a Thomas the Train DVD on my computer, strapped Liam in his high chair, and sat him right next to me. THIS WORKED PERFECT! I got a full 45 minutes of studying in that moment! I learned that day, that as long as he was right next to me, he was happy to just hang out.

    The older Liam got, the more used to me having homework & going to class he was. It was an everyday thing for us. Liam became really great at entertaining himself, but he still always let me know when it was time to take a break & play. 

     During that point in my life, and even sometimes now, I get asked, "How do you do it?!". My answer was usually a very tired response of, "I have no idea.", or "I just go online", or "I just pray a lot!". 

     All of these answers are true. A lot of my schooling had to be done online, which was so incredibly nice might I add. I didn't have any idea what I was doing about 95% of the time, and I prayed about 95% of my day. 

     Each semester had it's own set of stresses. The older Liam got, the harder it got. There were a lot of moments where I felt like I was missing out on Liam's childhood. I made sure to play with him each day, and read stories, and just be his mom, but working & going to school takes a lot of your day away. It was hard not to feel like a failure sometimes. But one day, while I was doing homework, Liam was playing with toys & randomly said, "Mom, I am proud of you."

     I bawled for 30 minutes. 

     That was when I knew for certain, that all of this endless homework, tests, quizzes, finals, reading, everything was worth it. I would be able to provide a better life for my son and myself. 

     Now here I am, in nursing school, with one more year left. (AAHHHHHHGAGHAGHIAPGA)!!!

     

     (Nursing school is fun because there's like 30 of you & you can all dress up as sperm for Halloween!)

    

     Nursing school alone consumes the majority of my time, and it gets very stressful. (Just ask my husband, I have about 2-3 emotional breakdowns per week), but I have such an incredible support system. My family and friends have helped me more than they will ever know. 

     If any of you who are reading this are considering going back to school, or maybe you just have a desire to change something in your life for the better, I strongly encourage you to do it. There are tons of resources out there to help parents who want to go back to school, so please don't be afraid to use them. This is going to sound incredibly cliché, but I am a firm believer that you can do anything you put your mind to. 

     "Believe in yourself, and you are halfway there." - Theodore Roosevelt

     Until next time, 

                            Haley

     

Marriage Doesn't Solve Your Problems

     Nope. It doesn't. 

     As a little girl, almost every movie I watched involved a young woman who had all of these problems and ended up meeting a young handsome man, marrying him and all of her problems were magically gone! 

     Cinderella is the perfect example of this. At a young age, she loses her mother then ends up losing her father. Afterwards, she gets stuck with a step-mother and 2 step-sisters who treat her horribly. After years of sadness and being treated like a servant, she finally meets her fairy godmother, who grants Cinderella her one greatest wish, to go to the Prince's ball! (cue catchy song & mice turning into horses) We all know how this story ends, Cinderella gets her prince and she lives "happily ever after". 

     But does all of Cinderella's problems really end after that? Whatever happened to her step-mother and step-sisters? What about  having to help rule a kingdom? Wasn't she worried about her responsibilities with that? 

     Now, I'm not saying that I don't enjoy this movie or any others like it, but it is very unrealistic to how life really is, right? 

     When John and I first got engaged, we were obviously filled with excitement! We had so many hopes and plans for our future (we still do & we create more every day), but within our first month or so of being married, we started dealing with...well...a whole lotta crap. My aunt passed away from breast cancer and John lost his best friend, also to cancer. They passed away within 1 week of each other. Dealing with both of these losses one right after the other was incredibly stressful on us. After another month or so, our lives started to become normal again as we were getting ready to start school and were working. 

     Then one night, I started experiencing excruciating pain in my lower abdomen. I couldn't move. John and I went to the ER. We left with no results and some pain medicine. A few days after, I started experiencing the pain again. We went back and had some ultrasounds done. They discovered 2 ovarian cysts, one on each ovary, that were 2-4 cm in size. I was extremely worried. I was supposed to start nursing school, something I've worked 5 long years for, and this has to happen?! How long would this take to heal? Would I need surgery? How does this affect John and I when we are ready to have children? Long story short, the cysts ended up going away on their own within a few weeks & the pain subsided as well. I was able to start nursing school with no problems!

     Also during this time, John started having really bad and painful ringing in his ears that would make him dizzy and nauseous. When we went to the doctor, John had to have a lot of tests done, including an MRI. Everything came back clear on the MRI, and we learned John had a 40% hearing loss in his right ear in the higher frequencies. This was both relieving and frustrating. We were glad nothing came back on the MRI, but what is the cause of his pain?

    Before we could find out, I started having pains again. We did another ultrasound and found another cyst. AGAIN?! I have to go through this again?! My OB suggested I have an exploratory surgery to see if I had endometriosis. This surgery was to be scheduled just days before I was going to start my next semester.

     Wow. 

     Timing. 

     After a lot of thought, I decided to go through with the surgery and was hopeful this would end my pain. During the surgery, they found excess fluid from a ruptured cyst and some endometriosis. My OB treated it, and I began healing. 

     Even though everything ended up being okay, which we are SO grateful for, it made John and I think a lot about our short time as a couple. Who would have thought that in our short 6 months of marriage, we would go through so much in such a short amount of time together. We laughed about how we thought life would've gotten easier after we got married because we would have each other, how we thought all of our personal problems would just "disappear". Instead we have learned that when you get married, you kind of take on each others stresses and problems. This may seem extremely pessimistic, but I don't mean it to be. Though me & John have gone through a lot of stress since we've been married, as does every couple in their own way, there isn't anyone else that I would want to go through these ups and downs with. 

     No, getting married does not solve all of your problems. It certainly doesn't make your problems go away. But it does help to have someone who goes through your stress with you. You are a team. Sometimes the team isn't strong, sometimes the team fights, but you're a team. You work together. You fight together. You rejoice together. You work to have a "happily ever after". Together.

     SPECIAL NOTE TO HUSBAND: I LOVE YOU!!!!

     Until next time,

     

     Haley 

     

My Story

Hello again!

     This week on my blog, I thought it would be fun to post a little "get to know me". I'm sure most of my readers already know all of the fun facts about me, but for this post I don't really want to talk about "fun facts". I figure you'll find those out as you continue reading my posts. 😉 This week, I wanted to talk more about my past, and what brought me to where I am today. What made me, well...me.

     I guess you could say my story started in high school. Junior year to be exact. I had auditioned the year before and had made it into my high school's Accapella choir! (woot woot!) I had just received my driver's license and had my first boyfriend! (Yes, I was totally the coolest kid...to my grandma...but that counts, right?)

     Life was pretty good.

     Until one day it wasn't.

     My best friend had found out after weeks of chronic knee pain, that she had osteosarcoma, or bone cancer, in her knee. They had found it before it had spread to other parts of her body, but regardless of that, she still had to do chemotherapy to help treat it. She was only 14 years old. Having to watch someone you love and someone who you grew up with drop to an unhealthy weight, lose their hair, and lose a bit of themselves without being able to do anything about it is probably one of the most horrible things one can experience in their life. Other than being the one going through that, of course. I took it very hard. I was upset, I was confused, but most of all I was angry. In our world, we constantly hear people ask "why". Why does God let bad things happen? Why does God let people get cancer? Why does God give CHILDREN cancer?

     I never understood why people were so quick to blame God, but now I completely understood. In fact, I became one of them. I had grown up being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I went to church every Sunday. I participated in church activities. I had a testimony. But I was quick to get angry. I remember countless people telling me, "Haley, you have to be strong for her. You have to be positive." This made me angrier. I didn't want to be strong or positive. I wanted to be angry. I wanted MY answers. Regardless of my anger, I made sure I could be up at the hospital as much as I could to be with her and try and help her feel like herself. I hope I was able to make her feel better, but little did I know that going up there made ME feel better. By the most unexpected people. Of course her and her family made me feel better, but the nurses who took care of her really inspired me. They were phenomenal. They were so kind, so loving, made her smile, but most of all they were understanding. They showed me what an impact nursing really makes, and how much it really affects the healing process of others. I truly believe that they are a major reason she recovered, and I think she would agree with me.

     This was my first "inkling" about becoming a nurse.

     Time went on and my friend was able to recover and go on with her life. I thought I did as well, but I still had a lot to learn and had a lot of hard feelings. When I was a senior in high school, I became pregnant with Liam. I became angry again. Of course, it was my fault, but why ME of all people?! Did Heavenly Father not understand what this would do to my family?! Did He not understand what it would do to me?!

     Yes. He understood.

     When the time came to deliver my son, my experience at the hospital was horrible. I had just barely turned 18 years old, and was unmarried. I know what the nurses and doctors thought about me, because they made it very clear in the way they treated me. I hardly ever saw my nurses. When I did see them, they wouldn't talk to me and whenever I had a question, it was brushed off and completely ignored. I had an unnecessary IV left in my hand for 3 days and was badly bruised from it, and whenever I complained about the pain I was just given some Ibuprofen and was never told why I had to keep it when I wasn't even hooked up to any fluids. The one doctor I did see after 2 days in the hospital, told my mom in the most annoyed way possible that he "absolutely refused" to see my son because he was not covered on health insurance. He was. My mom, who was furious, told this doctor that and he made up some other excuse why he couldn't see my son and left the room. One woman, who was in charge of obtaining birth certificates, came into my room and promptly told me that I had one hour to fill out the papers she had just given me or she would "fill it out herself". Because of my situation, I was treated like my child and I didn't matter. In nursing school, we are consistently drilled on how we are advocates for our patients. Other than my own mom, I didn't have that and it greatly affected how I felt about not only my situation, but myself.

     This was my second "inkling".

     Despite my horrible experience, I was continuing to have other experiences that better helped me understand and "make up" with Heavenly Father. The moment after I had Liam, getting married in the temple (something that wasn't important to me before) was extremely important now. I was going to be sealed with this little boy. I was going to get my life together. I was going to be the greatest mom that I could be. Even if that meant doing it on my own. Which I did for 5 years.

     The ongoing years would be one of the most difficult times in my life. Thankfully, I was (and still am) blessed to have the greatest family and friends to support me. You know you some good people when your grandpa and best friend hang out with you for 2 weeks straight after giving birth, watching chick-flicks and doing your families dishes! (Thanks Ash! 😂) I also had (still have!) Heavenly Father.

     As nurses, or healthcare professionals in general, we see people at their most vulnerable and scary times. My life experiences have shown me what I want to be and why I want to do it. I want to help others. I want both the cancer patient I take care of, and the young mom I help deliver, that they have someone in their corner being their biggest advocate.

     I hope that all of you reading were able to not only learn about me, but learn about yourselves as well. We all have times that are hard. We all have times where we tend to forget the good we have. We all have times when we may get upset with the way our lives are going. I want you all to know, that it DOES get better. People suck sometimes, but people also rock sometimes. I truly believe that with every bad thing that happens in the world, 5 great things happen to take it's place. Sometimes, it's small and hard to see, but if you look and search hard enough, they are there.

     There is a Heavenly Father. He knows you and he knows what you need. He will test and try you. But, through the tests and trials he will show you what you are capable of, and I can promise you that each of you are more capable than you know. He wants and He does help you. He loves you.

     See you all soon,

     Haley

Welcome to my life.

      Hello there, my name is Haley Bemis. I am 24 years old, mother to a super smart and lively 6 year old, married to the most goofiest & hardworking man, dog-mom to an ADHD Jack Russel Terrior, and a nursing school student. Welcome to my blog! My life is pretty busy and stressful to say the least, and here I am jumping into writing a blog again. You heard me right. Again.

     Back in 2013, I became inspired from friends of mine to create a blog. At the time, I was a single mom and just starting college and thought that maybe if I put my life and situation out into the world, that maybe I could be able to help others or inspire others in similar circumstances like myself. Of course, that lasted a few posts and the stresses of being a working single mom & college student consumed me, & I just didn't keep up with it anymore. Now, here I am almost 5 years later, attempting to do it all again! (If you try & look for those past posts but can't find them, it's because I saved you all from having to read my past "cringy" self. You are very welcome!)

     Now why would someone with hardly the time to sleep want to start a blog? I like to think I'm doing this again for similar reasons I started my first blog.To show others that when life throws you lemons, make grapefruit juice & leave the world wondering how you did it! (Holla @ my girl Maddie for that quote! 💪) I also had a bit of a spiritual experience as well that further prompted me to do this. It was nothing extravagant, but I think Heavenly Father has learned that if the Spirit prompts me long enough about something, I might just do it. (He knows me well).

      I want this space to be somewhere where anyone can come and find something they can relate to. Life isn't easy. As much as we'd all enjoy the sweetness, it isn't all peaches & cream. My goal with this blogspace is to talk about how uneasy life can be. How even though you may have a lot on your "plate", you can still finish your food (let's be real though, sometimes the "food" is disgusting!). My goal is to be "real". 

      I am so excited/terrified/unsure about this new adventure I'm adding here, but I hope that those of you who read & keep up can enjoy what I write & be able to find a place you can come to when you really want to laugh at some poor girls corny jokes, or to find someone you feel like you can relate to. I would also like to try something that I don't think many bloggers do. (Maybe they do, I have no idea 😅) If those of you who are reading have any topics that you would like me to write about, please feel free to let me know! I want this to be a place for everyone. 

      Until next time,

                           Haley